same as it ever was

i've just finished reading kurt vonnegut's player piano. it's a story about a world where machines are so efficient that human labor is completely unnecessary. the only people with any sort of power are the engineers who keep the machines running. everyone else is allotted food rations, housing, medical insurance, tv, radio, automatic dishwasher... a computer in new mexico allocates the production quota for every item in the economy for the year. it's a socialist utopia. all of this at the price of human dignity because the machines have displaced anyone not bright enough to earn a phd.

this book was recommended to me a few years ago by a classmate while i was doing my master's at ut. although maybe not along the same lines, i've had this unsatisfying feeling about being an engineer for some time now. i remember thinking around christmas a couple years ago that electrical engineers make disposable christmas gifts. i remember thinking that the chip my company was working on at the time would be in the trash by the time i finished my degree. what's the point then to spend a year or two to design something that will be in the trash like that? maybe a buddhist sand sculpter might laugh at me. or maybe not. i have no spiritual connection to what i work on. how can i have a spiritual connection to a disposable consumer product?

perhaps the problem is trying to find some sort of fulfillment in my work. i've certainly invested a lot of time and energy in school and in my work now. shouldn't i have more to take away from it than a paycheck?

i've met a few colleagues along the way who share my outlook on this. they're all older than forty. the ones my age all love what they're doing. when i took this contract, i loved what i was doing for three weeks. after that, the old anxiety and frustration came back. i thought i just didn't like the last place i worked. it turns out that changing jobs, changing cities, hasn't changed much.

...

i've been reading the tao te ching lately. i'm reminded of this passage:

"The greatest calamity is not knowing sufficiency,
no greater calamity than desire for gain.

Therefore contentment
with one's portion of contentment
is eternal contentment enough."

so, i have to admit going to work and having a paycheck are very nice things, but i can't help sometimes feeling like the people in vonnegut's novel. if the things i make are so disposable, what about me?