more travel notes

2/11

today we left for albuquerque. the weather the last few days was uncooperative and we were forced to wait for a better opportunity. while waiting, i spent the days reading the wall street journal and raiding james's fridge. we also did a little hiking warm up by taking a nice walk around his neighborhood in the foothills of the franklin mountains.

on the way to albuquerque we passed through white sands national monument. it was a cloudy day and late in the afternoon which made it kind of chilly. seeing white sands again was like seeing an old friend. the first time i saw it was on my first road trip out west and it's become part of the reason why i love the southwest so much.

after having a hot'n'ready pizza for dinner in james's van, we set off again. we took a dark road that passes about 50 miles north of the white sands missile range trinity site where the world's first atomic bomb was detonated. in the same area is the valley of the fires but we didn't have time or daylight to stop there. this long dark road was truly in the middle of nowhere. while white sands was cloudy, here the sky was crystal clear. without any nearby cities to bleed light into the sky, i saw the brightest stars i've ever seen in my life. you could see stars all the way to the horizon. we got out to take a longer look at the sky. i saw the milky way for the first time. it was this fuzzy collection of stars and dust that stretched from the east end of the sky to the west. truly a beautiful sight.

james is in the habit of roll starting his car to save gas. i'm not sure if this is effective but it's certainly fun. after looking at the stars, we opened the doors to the van and pushed the car until i could barely keep pace. we jumped into the car, james put it in first gear, let the clutch go, and we rocked forward a moment before the engine started.

a few hours later, we arrived in albuquerque to stay with our friends ted and natasha. we chatted a while getting caught up with each other and ate ted's delicious guacamole dip. all in all, a pretty good day.

hermann park

the weather the last few days has been beautiful. dark clouds and short bursts of rain give way to cool sunny skies for the rest of the afternoon. i set out today not knowing where i would end up. i saw a sign giving information about parking for the bayou city art festival, so i headed that way. i spent about 40 minutes in traffic without finding a parking spot, but it was such a nice day to be out that i didn't mind too much. i gave up on the art festival and headed towards the museum of fine arts. i usually don't have a problem parking there, but i found the place i normally park was full. so, i headed across the street to hermann park and eventually found some place to get out of my car. an hour and 35 miles later, i ended up sitting on the hill in front of the miller outdoor theatre, enjoying the afternoon sun and reading a book.

it might seem like a long way and a lot of trouble to find a patch of grass, but it's funny how certain places take on such significance. although this hill is nothing special in particular, there are a lot of good memories for me there. as a kid, i remember taking field trips to the museum of natural science and having a picnic lunch on this hill. after lunch, it seemed proper to roll like logs and race down the hill. indeed, i can't remember a single instance where i've been there and didn't roll down the hill or watch every kid under 10 roll down the hill.

i've had several dates there. i've sat on a bench by myself having lunch there more than once. i've been restless at night and walked around there. maybe i have a long memory, or maybe i'm lazy in finding places to visit, but this hill 35 miles away from where i live seems to be a favorite place of mine. and a favorite place for a lot of other people too.

the first days of my unemployment seemed to move so slow. one week seemed like three. these days seem to move pretty fast. i don't move fast at all, but the days do, so that two weeks pass without me noticing. it's like when i was working but without the stress. having become aware of this has made me a little restless in the last few days. i started to wonder how i let a month go by without accomplishing anything. then i started to wonder what it is that i want to accomplish. having no immediate answers, i started to feel like i'm becoming dull.

now i'm wondering if being dull is a problem, or if being dull is a step forward. maybe feeling dull is actually all the noisy thoughts in my head taking a break, making room for something new to come in. or, maybe feeling dull is actually a result of not exercising my brain and instead has made it harder to see the subtle. or maybe i'm getting carried away, hahaha. in any case, i'm starting to feel like i've had a lot of rest and that i'm ready to be a little more active. active in what i've yet to decide on.

reboot

this afternoon, i spent a ridiculous amount of time writing a program to backup my hard disk to my usb drive. on one hand, i'm too cheap to pay for backup software and on the other, i couldn't find what i wanted for free. so, i thought it'd be a good exercise to have a go at it.

several hours later, i finished it and it seems to work okay. i'm also reminded of why i don't want to work on computers anymore. i still haven't found a peaceful way to work on them. something trivial doesn't work the way it should or something crashes or some other tedious thing which has me cursing under my breath at the screen and pounding at the keyboard. add three cups of coffee daily to the mix and i'm not a pleasant person to be around. and it's not just me... one of my nicer colleagues would yell "you stupid tool!" at his monitor three times a week. another colleague would see his cursor freeze, pound the ctrl-alt-delete combo three or four times, slam the mouse onto the desk, yell "i hate this f*ing place!" (imagine something like al pacino in "heat" here), and walk out to have a cigarette.

i had a recruiter call me about a job yesterday. the position was doing the same sort of work i was doing at my first job. i was inclined to call back about it, but after today's exercise, my will to stay out of engineering for now is renewed.

on a lighter note, i was talking with my friend the other day and the topic of the moon landings came up. i told her the main problem i think might cast some doubt on it would be the guidance computer. i just spent a bunch of time looking up some stuff trying to debunk the moon landing hoax theories. a lot of the hoax theories had pretty reasonable explanations. still, what do i know? and besides, what does it matter?

just don't tell me a computer will be steering my car for me. seeing "microsoft" on the stereo in a rental car is enough to make me nervous.

a very nice spring break

these days are pretty quiet.
i'm reading and thinking a lot, but for the time being, nothing is troubling me.
i hear birds singing outside my window in the morning.
i see beautiful red azaleas in my backyard and deep blue bluebonnets on the side of the road.
i'm eating well and visiting my friends often.

just saying hi

get a job

so, i'm finally catching up a little bit with the world and ripping my cd's into itunes. it's awfully tedious, but there's a box of cd's that's been sitting in my room taking up precious space and not being listened to. at least this way, i can hear some of my collection while eventually being able to put this box away. i'm hoping this tedious work doesn't bother my computer too much.

these days, i've started to complain a bit about how expensive things are and the advice i keep getting is: get a job. i suppose being unemployed hoping for understanding from people who are working is pretty useless. i suppose hoping for understanding from people about anything is pretty useless. or maybe complaining in the first place is the useless thing.

i started reading chuang tzu yesterday. there are several stories about a huge old tree which is so twisted and knotted as to be useless for a carpenter. chuang tzu's comment is that the reason the tree is so old is because it is useless. if it were useful for making furniture or other things, it would have been cut down long ago. it would be tempting for me to reason that being unemployed and useless is best because you'll never be bothered and thus be free to live as you please, but i hardly believe i could get away with it. instead, i'd like to think this story isn't encouraging uselessness over usefulness. inaction over action. the tree didn't decide to be useless or try to live long, but it was able to see a benefit just by being itself. if it were a useless weed in a garden instead, it would be the first thing to get cut down. so, being useless in itself is not a final solution, and being yourself is no guarantee of an easy life either. maybe the point is just that you should find every advantage you can with what you already are before you look to being something else.

walking to the sounds of my favorite tune

so i broke the news to my mom earlier this week that i plan to leave the country and study chinese. as one might imagine, she wasn't too excited about it. having revealed my plan to my mom is a pretty big step. i've pretty much committed to the idea, and having realized that, i've really seen how much preparation is ahead of me. for one, i actually have to apply to school. another item i have to handle is how to get rid of my car. as much as i like my car, it doesn't make much sense to keep paying for it if i'm not here. beyond that, if i don't think too much, then everything ought to work itself out.

i spent the afternoon making a list of things i need to take care of before i head out. in addition, i paid a whole bunch of bills and paid my taxes. sad stuff. to lighten the day, i met up some friends and headed out for a beer, which turned into a pretty good night. i read some piece of advice today suggesting that even limitations should have some limitation and i took it to mean that i should splurge a bit and treat myself well today. who can hold it against me?

i've finally finished re-reading "orlando" and have started to clean up the rough draft of my essay for the writing project i have with my friend. going back, it seems i have ten thoughts for every sentence i've written. i'm not really sure if what i've written will make sense, yet i have a hard time to fill out the details. this project has been pretty good for me though. i've actually taken some time to take advantage of all the resources online to read some critical analysis of "orlando". what i've read so far has kinda given me confidence in the things that i've written, but has also given me some food for thought. it all started when i tried to search out the meaning of the wild goose orlando sees at the end of the novel. i haven't found any easy answers to that one. i suppose i'll just have to go back and dig through the novel again.

all in all, not a bad sunday, and a good start to getting back into some kind of business. hope it warms up soon. this cold damp weather is awful.

cold wet days

at the end of my third week home, days fly by. every other day is centered on swimming. in between, i usually distract myself in starbucks. $2 for a cup of coffee. $0.54 for a refill. i usually give the rest as tip, so that for $3, i have several hours, surrounded by others, yet privately mine, to reflect, to read, to write. there's something about sitting up straight, at a table, dressed in your clothes for heading out, that puts you in a state of mind to allow serious thought. i can't possibly accomplish this at home with the easy distraction of internet, the bed, and in the easy comfort of house clothes.

keeping me company today is an empty pitcher set on the floor to catch drops of water from the leaking roof. it's the kind of pitcher that holds frappucino mix. at least that's what i used to use when i was still employed by starbucks. the weather the last few days has been cold and wet. we've dispensed with the heater at home in an effort to save a bit of money on the electric bill. instead, we wear extra layers of clothes, or in my case, leave the house entirely to make use of someone else's heater.

it's strange how time can be so full and so slow. can be so empty and so quick. quick in passing but slow in one's mind. is it really 2009? is it really march? just six months ago i was exhausted and uneasy about my work, my future. now, i'm liberated. no layoff threat hanging over my head. i've voluntarily conceded. my future looks exceedingly simple. i don't know why people wait until they're old to retire. having a little sample is pretty good.

having no job but still having several indispensable expenses has given me an opportunity to refresh what little i've learned about budgeting. where months ago 54 cents was a negligible amount, 54 cents looms large today when i set a $3 limit on coffee, which if i were only buying coffee would be expensive, but factoring in the freedom for thought and the opportunity to head out and check if my clothes still fit, is quite a bargain. where i once thought nothing of $5 for fast food or a pint in a bar, i'm loathe to eat out on my own. but enough already before i start to sound as stingy as thoreau.